Best dating profile ever

 

Yes - I wrote this. 😆

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Hey Chodes,

I am looking for a sweet romantic man willing to give it all in exchange for the love of his life.

About me: I don’t believe shaving my legs or pits because sweaty body hair is beautiful and if you are not okay with my three inch leg hair keep looking.

I will send you fifty text messages in a row and expect a response within 60 seconds. You can’t go out with your friends anymore because if you are in a committed relationship you should be 100% committed to me. Do not expect me to cook – I am not your slave, you can make your own sandwich. 

If I say I am not hungry, but then eat some of your food, I expect you not to complain. You should be happy with my choices on Netflix, action adventure is unacceptable as we will only be watching Rom-coms. Sports are forbidden, especially the Sea-hawks, Sounders, or anything local and annoying. Gaming systems are going out the window, I won't be a fortnite widow.

Per feminist doctrine, sexy-time must be planned 3 weeks in advance with written affirmative consent. Lights must be off, and my only position is motionless 'starfish' whilst listening to 'Jeopardy' as background noise. If the category is "useless bullshit", trust me I will get the entire category right. Porn is forbidden…except the bloopers, we can watch those little "accidents" together.

Oh...and...one thing that really turns me on is if you could dance to "Good Bye Horses," just like Buffalo Bill every once in awhile. (don't know what it is? Click here ). Even though I'm an atheist, Ezekiel 23:20 gives us everything we need to guide us in the bedroom. Look it up - I think you will agree.

Just so you know, I only date good looking, clean shaven men who drive the following: Audi TT, BMW 7 Series, or Mercedes-Benz SL. Teslas are not allowed because Elon Musk embedded technology ensuring the car will drive itself back to the dealership if you miss a single payment.

I am a vegan and will have an emotional breakdown if I see you eat meat. As I always say, "lettuce respect all animals." And...by now you should know I am always right. Even when I am wrong, I still expect you to say I am right. Why? Don't question it. It's wiring. I must have access to all your social networks so I know for sure you are not talking to your ex-girlfriend.  I will covertly check your dating profile(s) from one of my ghost account(s), to make sure you are not talking to any women. You must love my seven cats because they will always be more important than any man. For the Christmas holiday, I fully expect to wear matching Cosby sweaters and sip cognac by the fireplace.

If you see me talking to myself in the bathroom mirror, that is only because my therapist advises I work through my feelings of inferiority via daily affirmations.

WA State full disclosure laws require I inform that when you break up with me expect to change your number, shut down social networks and move to another city. But don't worry, I'm a good detective and will find you - that's where the real fun begins. [insert evil laugh here] When I do find you, I'll bake a fruit cake, leave it on your doorstep, ring the doorbell and run away.

 

If that is up your alley, hit me up because I’m your girl.

Applicant requirements: Only good looking men with a full head of hair need apply. Fatties must do at least one round of lipo before submitting application. Willing to date any race or ethnicity. As an equal opportunity offender, I am willing to screw up any man regardless of his skin color.

Send applications and hate mail to: 674 Yawn Lane, Boring Oregon, USA
Or, you can leave a message at: 867-5309 --- if you get that joke, you are too old for this position.

Sorry.

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This was originally posted December 10, 2020. It's been four years - and its still pretty damn funny.