Is There a Moral Duty to Disclose You’re Transgender to a Potential Partner?


Justifying the Unjustifiable

When an argument is a train wreck


There is nothing easy about writing an unpopular opinion, for most people that is. It may be that I am a brave person although admittedly I’m burdened by the same fears as everyone else. My readers should know that I write what I think. You won’t ever find me writing about something I do not personally believe in. This blog is about a real argument someone I know presented to me. When I tell you what this guy said to me, you are going to say, "No way Naomi! This man did not make that argument!" Trust me - you will think I am pulling your leg. I'm not.  Someone I know told me that passing transgender women have zero duty to notify their male partners that they are trans. This blog is dedicated to unraveling one of the weirdest arguments that pushed my left leaning self just a little more to the right. 

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To say this argument was esoteric would the understatement of the year. I had to sit on a sofa and endure this persons mental gymnastics until such time that I perform my magical disappearing act. 


How do you feel when someone tries to manipulate you? Speaking for myself when someone tries to manipulate me my first reaction is both anger and offense. The anger part is obvious - but why offense? I also think that easily manipulated people are not the sharpest tools in the shed, so when someone does this to me I feel like they are insulting my intelligence. 

Well – that’s exactly what happened to me one chilly fall day. The triggering topic is this: Is there a moral duty to disclose to one’s partner that they are transgender? I argue that yes – there is a moral duty to disclose, moreover I also hold the victim has cause to bring a lawsuit against the perpetrator. My family friend disagrees, and he presented me with one of the weirdest arguments I’ve ever heard in my life.

According to the family friend, passing trans women do not have to disclose they are transgender to men before sleeping with them because….


“Trans women are women, as such they do not have to tell you that they are transgender before engaging in sex. If she passes completely and you would never know she was born male, then YOU are subscribing to gender normative standards which makes YOU a discriminatory bigot. Those who accept the social norm, ‘trans women are women’, are smarter than you and if you do not agree, if you think that only you decide what is right for you in the bedroom – then that just means you are not as smart or enlighted.”


That argument makes you just want to pour yourself a glass of wine and give up on humanity. "Wokeness" really is a crown one places upon their own head - isn't it?

I am confident any person in possession of reasonable intelligence can clearly see that men are NOT a bunch of trans phobic bigots morally on par with racists for not wanting to sleep with passing transgender women. I mean let’s say she passes completely, and she’s beautiful – guys if you don’t want to sleep with her because she is a biological male does not make you a bad person. We all come from different beliefs, values, norms, religions, sense of kinship, family and worldview, as such there is no person on earth who can make this decision but the individual himself. 

And here I was, my whole life thinking you men were free to make your own choices. 

 The family friend, whom I generically refer to as "John", well, I avoid him. John taught me that liberals and hard-line republicans are two sides of the same coin. While one has told homosexuals their feelings are wrong, and their vile humans if they don't change while the other, such as John, tell a vast majority of the male population they are trans-phobic bigots for not wanting to sleep with passing trans women."  Whelp - there goes humanity. Damned if you do - Damned if you don't. The funny part is both the hard-line Republican and John are capable of seeing how the other is wrong - but they can't see their own arrogant hypocrisy.

Both of these characters have no regard for the vast diversity of people in this world, people who think and feel vastly different than we do. Human encompass an enormous range of differences that go beyond just gender and sex, consider diversity of culture, religion, social status, political affiliations, each man has a different story. Each person is their own master. Nobody has the right to touch you if you don't want to be touched. Neither do they have the right to shame you for sexual preferences. John and those like him have zero moral authority over your body.

The fact is that passing transgender women often date stealth, meaning she puts up dating profiles on Match, Tinder, Bumble and does not disclose that she is transgender. 

Most trans-women don't pass well enough to do this, so guys don't start getting panicked because the chances something like this will happen to you is astronomically low. Passing trans women, aka 'Unicorns' have been on T-blockers and hormone therapy for a few years, their bones have shrunk and they’ve lose muscle mass in the process. They are also post-op, meaning they’ve had both facial feminization surgery and bottom surgery. During sex, you will not know they are post-op. Unicorns experience female orgasm, it is absolutely true and I will link credible online evidence backing up that claim. 

Before you guys start panicking, there is nothing to panic about because transgender women are approximately 1.5 million in population in the United States. The chance any man will end up on a date with a Unicorn is very unlikely. You may have a better shot at winning the state lottery, struck by lightning or being attacked by a shark before getting duped by the Unicorn. 


John’s argument begins with, drum roll please, yes you guessed it - a comparison to black people. 

"If a white cis gender racist sleeps with a light skinned black female, discovers her African ancestry and is outraged. Naomi, can he sue her for not telling him?"  Then he compared that situation to a passing transgender woman who sleeps with a man without informing him that she was assigned male at birth. 

"I don't understand Naomi, because they only difference between you and the passing transgender woman is that you have a uterus. If you had a hysterectomy, could a guy you are with sue you for not being a 'real woman' because the uterus is the only difference!"

 So there were lots of things about this argument that sickened me, we'll get to that in a bit. What really aggravated me was he plagiarized it form a pro-trans blog.


excerpt from the blog



A brief history of me and John


I’ve known John and his family for a long time, he is retired and spends much of his time volunteering with homeless transgender youth. He is also very politically active with the Democratic party and does various other charitable activities involving non-binary, transgender and gay issues. I would describe him as a good person, he has some college and possesses average intellect. He has done many good things for me and others in the past, which makes writing this blog so hard for me.


About a year ago, I posted on my Facebook page that I was very disgusted with the homeless problem in Seattle. I explained that many of the homeless are from elsewhere, they come to Seattle for the services we offer them. As we give them more, more continue to come making downtown Seattle a hellhole. Everyday we have stories of homeless stealing, beating, killing, robbing and sexually assaulting women. I am tired of the problem, and I am tired of an inept city council hell bend on attracting all homeless in American to Seattle.

 When John saw that I had my own ideas about the homeless he couldn't handle it. He put the 'woke crown' upon his head and took his facebook revenge. He posted directly on my Facebook page that I was wrong because of, “x, y and z.” I politely disagreed with him, and later that week posted something else about the Seattle homeless who shit and piss all over the streets, shoot up drugs and abuse women. John posted another comment directly on my Facebook making the unilateral decision to notify nearly three thousand people on my friends list that I grew up in foster care. 

He posted “you grew up on foster care, you were aging out of foster care, you would have been one of those homeless kids if you hadn’t been rescued and that makes you a hypocrite, and I John have the moral duty to ‘out’ out to all of these people on your friends list.”   

 John put the crown of woke-ness on his head, congratulated himself. He signaled his virtue, and that gave him the sense of validation he needs. Win for the homeless. Yay!

I took a picture of his comment, re-posted it directly on my feed and asked everyone how they would feel if that information was involuntarily disclosed about them, how would they feel about it. Everybody on my Facebook reacted, calling him vile, rude, and slimy. 

I removed John from my friends list and notified him that I would not speak with him until he apologizes to me, eventually he did although to this day I don't think he thinks he did anything wrong.


Justifications for bullying people


Deception by Omission – I’ve been a victim too

 In my early 20s my judgement wasn't great. I was in a two-year relationship with a Syrian man, during that time, unbeknownst to me, he was reporting to a probation officer once a month. A couple years before meeting me he plead guilty to possession and attempt to use a stolen credit card. He was keeping a HUGE secret from me, I was livid, furious and felt deeply violated.

Naturally I asked him why he kept this kind of a secret from me. His answer was simple, “Because I knew you would not have been with me if I told you up front.”

Not long after his confession I dumped him hard and fast. Years later I still do criminal background checks on any man I might consider dating. I know what it feels like to be a victim of deception by omission, to lied to, manipulated and feel like my right to choose was taken away from someone who only cared about what he could get from me.

If you are in a sexual relationship - it sure the hell is your business.

 Do passing transgender women have a duty to disclose they are trans to cis male partners before sleeping with them?”  Yes – absolutely they have a duty. Not only do I say this loud and clear, but within this blog I will back up that claim with the law, constitution, supreme court rulings and good old fashion common sense.

Transgender voices are not the only voices that count because the men they are sleeping with also have a voice that deserves to be heard. Nobody deserves to be silenced.

Being a political moderate is no walk in the park. I am often invalidated by Democrats and Republicans who label me as ‘apolitical’ or one of the ‘undecided’.  I tend to agree with the Democratic party about seventy percent of time and thirty percent of the time with Republicans. Admittedly the 'John's of the world are edging me closer to the right. One would think that Republicans would cannibalize me more than Democrats, alas that is not the case. Hard line liberals are exponentially more intolerant, at least in my experience. Extreme Democrats are not happy with my seventy percent, so they turn to shame, threats all mixed up with a medley of manipulative arguments framed to guarantee I will agree with them – or else.


Why write about this


Ernest Hemingway famously said, “write hard and clear about what hurts.” Although Hemingway didn’t know it at the time, research has shown that writing helps improve mental health. Let me just say, thirty minutes on a sofa listening to his plagiarized drivel about how all men who don’t want to sleep with Unicorns are bigots, my poor mental health needed some healing. Hemingway was right – writing heals. So my motives for writing this blog is about my own healing. 

I am also motivated by my sons, brothers, uncles, father, and all male cousins motivate this blog because their human rights are being ignored, their humiliation dismissed, and their voices silenced. I feel angry because John does not care how someone feels about their body - unless that person is transgender then he cares. 


I am offended he plagiarized this stupid argument from the internet, as if I am not worth enough to hear his own original argument. 


I do not like the fact he formulates opinions about books he’s never read, philosophies he knows nothing about and I especially abhor the bullying, manipulation and need to be right about all transgender issues. 


I am angry that I am put into a position where I have to think of a diplomatic way of getting out of that situation without damaging relationships.


I feel like it's unfair his past good deeds for marginalized groups now gives him license to invalidate how other people feel. It pisses me off anytime someone tries to manipulate me, and this manipulative argument is structured to guarantee he wins. If he doesn't convince you, then he gets to judge and ostracize you. 


When I drove away from their house, I found myself feeling angry that this guy thinks I am so stupid that I can’t see through that intensely unfair argument. But then I realized something – he truly does believe every word he was saying.


Framing is Everything

suggested read about how argument framing works

The persuasiveness of John’s argument is attributed to The Framing Effect. The Framing Effect is a manipulative rhetorical tool used to influence how you feel about an argument rather than what the argument states.

a. white racist cis male -- light skinned black female

b. cis male -- passing trans female

The argument is set up to trigger your emotions about racism, and unfairly transmit those feelings to the cis gender guy.  I don't know how this argument could be more manipulating.


“Naomi, I really don’t see how I could be wrong.”

Well, if he really doesn't see any way he could be wrong, then the problem is pretty damn bad. That's why I can't talk to this person. He doesn't make any attempt to debunk his own thinking so obviously I won't be able to enlighten him. All I can do is set boundaries. 


My hope is that readers will agree with me that the human right of bodily autonomy is an inalienable human right afforded to all people - even those born with a penis. Guys - your body is yours, nobody controls it. Not your wife, not your girlfriend - you. John thinks he has the right to school you about your sexuality, he doesn't.


To me, I accept the social norm that transgender women are women. What I understand that John doesn't get is that social norms are not universally shared. Just because I accept the norm does not mean other's have to. 

I'd like to take a moment to share the insanity of another blog I am sure 'John' already accessed by now. I am not linking the blog because I don't want to give them any traffic, instead I'll take some images and share with you what this blog is saying. 

In the next blog, she argues that passing transgender women have no duty to disclose their status to their perspective partners. The following image shows her introductory rebuttal.

In two threads there were people who argued that trans people have an ethical obligation to come out to their partners. Some people argued that having sex stealth is a sexual assault. Now here is where she jumped the shark..."that transphobic people" - ah there it is! Anyone who doesn't want to have sex with a transgender woman is a transphobe. Verbal and Emotional abuse! Just like John. And yes - having knowledge would effect their decision making because they have bodily autonomy guaranteed to them under the 4th Amendment of the American Constitution. What's the problem? Then she argues, " thus, they argued, trans people must either come out to their partners or be celibate." Wrong - they are not saying transgender people should remain celibate. Just because most men do not want sleep with passing transgender women does not mean the whole world wants trans-women to be celibate! 

Reading the above image, you'll see the author makes another mental leap. Just because a man does not want to sleep with a passing trans-gender female does not mean...and I quote... "trans bodies are shameful and that cisgender people need to be warned about them. "  Nobody here is saying that - it's an entirely false narrative. I've personally asked numerous men, from both camps, and all of them assert they have the right to know. Just because men do not want to sleep with a trans woman doesn't mean he thinks she is sick or shameful. They could be a conservative Muslim, a conservative Jew, a Christian, or a person who does not want all the complications that come along with having a transgender partner.  

Everyone has their own standards, with our list of preferences comes a long list of sexual prejudices. Jewish women for example only want to be with Jewish men. Does this make them Islamophobes because they won't date Muslims? No! They have their own culture, beliefs, values and norms. Everyone has the right to chose for themself.


Again, her logic is completely off point. When it comes to sex, something as important as this - it is deception. She again emotionally abuses men, framing the argument in such a way calling them 'bigoted transphobes' for having the audacity to say, "I have the right to know if you were assigned male at birth." Again, verbally and emotionally abusing men get what you want from them - which is sex - is the definition of an abusive relationship. Fortunately, I am not the only one who holds this opinion.



Just to illustrate how vile this person's argument is, watch this video and listen to her words - this is some straight up truth coming out of Israel.

I hope everyone understanding that no person has permission to emotionally abuse you – me – or anyone by calling us 'transphobes' for not wanting to sleep with transgender women. 


Human sexuality is complicated, each person has their own sexual preferences and those preferences always come with a long list of sexual prejudices. Do not let their esoteric mental gymnastics confuse you. Dating is not fair – it never will be. Each person informs themselves whether chromosomes define gender in the bedroom. Each person chooses for themselves whom they want to sleep with and who they don’t. You are entitled to your sexual preferences and prejudices without ever having to fear that you will be verbally or emotionally abused by someone who things they have the right to withhold information that they know is important to you. 

Sexual encounters should always be open, honest, and consensual.  

Unhealthy encounters will be closed, riddled with deception by omission, manipulation and verbal trickery. 

Thank you for reading!


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