Tuesday, November 13, 2012

8 Rules To Atheism Plus

Eight simple lessons to becoming the great Atheism+'er. Follow these simple rules and the world is your oyster.

Lesson One: Use Resources Wisely
If you are angry at someone because they said something you do not like, be passive-aggressive and post your complaints on blogs and twitter. That way, your minions can do your fighting for you, while you cower behind your fan club. 


Lesson Two: Never forget that all men want to rape you.
It is important that you constantly remind men that most rapes are committed by men. That way, they will feel guilty about having a penis in the first place. If they feel bad about being men, then it is easier for you to get what you want from them. 

Lesson Three: Take all internet comments seriously

If some nameless, faceless internet troll says something mean to you, you should make sure the whole world knows that you are being threatened, and that you have a stalker. People will feel sorry for you and rush to your side with a box of chocolates and Kleenex. 


Lesson Four: Misandry does not exist

Remember that something is sexist only if men do it. If a woman cuts off a mans penis, knees him in the balls or wears a T-shirt encouraging girls to throw rocks at boys, it is not sexist. It is only sexist if men do it. 

Lesson Five: Remember you are the victim here.

As long as you have a vagina, you do not have to take responsibility for anything that you do. Men have been oppressing women for hundreds, if not thousands of years. Now it is time for men to pay for the crimes of their foreskins...(opps, I mean forefathers). Sure, modern men had nothing to do with events of the past, but hey, you can go ahead and blame them anyway. Men need to check their privilege at the door and stop oppressing you.

Lesson Six: You are changing society, without participating in society. 

Remember that even though you are in a exclusive group that regularly censors comments, blocks and bans people, you are still managing to change society in important ways. All of those haters out there are turning a new leaf because you. When they hear about you and your friends, complaining over Google Chat about the -ism of the day, they stop and say to themselves, "wow, I want to change, I want to be a better person!" Give yourself a pat on the back. You deserve it because you are Awesome! 

Lesson Seven: Worship the Bandwagon 

Remember that you are in something bigger than yourself, and you must praise Atheism plus bloggers all the time for their relentless sacrifice and courage. They are hanging themselves up on the cross for you, and you would be a terrible human being if you do not regularly post comments of praise and adoration on their blogs. Even if you disagree with what they are saying, you should be quiet and agree with them anyway.

Lesson Eight: Always Wipe Front to Back

I cannot stress enough the importance of proper wiping. This is something you must always remember to prevent urinary tract infections. Bacteria gets in the urethra, travels up the bladder, and soon enough a nasty infection will start brewin. You will feel like you have to pee every five minutes. It is painful and uncomfortable. The doctor will tell you to drink lots of cranberry juice. 

If you are a man, you are at risk of becoming infected if you are uncircumcised. Bacteria can build up more easily in the folds of extra skin. To be a real Atheism+'er, you should know that women's needs, desires, dreams and wants always come before yours, which is why we suggest that you have yourself circumcised. This is just another example of the unfair "privilege" we ladies have been talking about. It is unfair that ladies have to take care to wipe properly when you...men...give it a few shakes and call it a day!  Wash your hands afterwards, and remember to stand three feet away from the ladies. Finally, and for the love of Watson, do not look any female directly in the eyes unless she has given you written permission to do so. 



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1 comment:

  1. The above describes well some women on USA college campuses 35 years ago. Plus ca change... Except that the foreskin would have gone unmentioned. America was not ready then for that conversation!

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